im really getting into fear factory again. god they kick ass.
i think i listen to the music that matches my mood, and since it fluctuates often, my music does with it.
i feel like its too late to try.
how stupid is that?
i sit back and watch my life through a window, i just want to shatter the window and strangle myself
yet i still do nothing about it.
i have probation friday.
i have to buy a detox drink.
i hope i dont get tested or theres a large chance i may be fucked.
but do i do anything to change it?
pride is sunday
i was so excited about it.
i have lost much of the excitment..
i think maybe because im unhappy with what i have to present to the world,
but its a gay march..
i almost forgot how much i loved this cd..
it got me thru most of my rehab and all that bullshit..
good thing i decided to download it outta nowhere.
my life is a circus
will it always be insanity
or do i make the insanity
should i look into things the way i do
or should i just let them go and forget
i remember a lot
its like i store everything
build it up till it all comes out
and the cycle repeats
its like when you put in a cd
the first beat plays and you know what it is
you know what your getting
so suddenly you are in a different mood
either jammin to the beats you love
or laughin at the fact that this particular cd is in
but either way you know what to expect
you begin to feel more comfortable
or when you light a cigarette
the one you have been craving for so long
and how good the smoke feels rushing into your lungs
and exhaling even better
you know with every drag that its killing you
that eventually it will catch up with you and you will suffer
but living in that moment, with that delicious tar
you dont care, you just enjoy
but the day it catches up to you
all of those beautiful stress-relieving moments
every time you sparked up again
is all worth nothing
and you wish you could take it back
its like walking down the street
with nowhere in particular that you are going
the whole time your thinking
contemplating all of the places you can go
all of the things you could be doing
finally deciding on one thing
its never what you expect
they are doing as are you
looking for what to do next
finding that one thing that will take up time
for time is there to pass
and you must find a way to forget it exists.
"i smoke and i drink and
every time i blink i
have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am
im proud of the fact that im
worse than i seem."
that quote runs through me several times an hour.
today i wanted to move to the city.
i wanted to be where everything was happeneing
it seems im always so bored
i just want to find the place where i can be
some days its the city
others its to be every womans desire
to have the money
the beautiful home
and all of my shit together
and some days
i just want to sit there
just sit and listen to the sounds
and find my way around it all
the way to do it all,
have it all
and still have me too
its like you stive to be what everyone wants
you breathe to make everyone else smile
to see their faces light up because of you
but sometimes i think i should stop
and see how often i make my own face light up
how often does my eye twinkle
or when was the last time i was the one putting off 'the glow'
im sorry im bitching, and im putting it all out there
but i spose thats why i made this journal, so i oculd say the things i need to say
and noone here can read it and bring it back later to haunt me
today i am writing this
tomorrow will be the next plan in life..
my next desire
its not hard to find what burns the fire
whats hard is figuring out how to keep it lit