today is my bday
that sux too
in the last 3 weeks i got 25 emails, all my horriscope and 1 comment
im tha shit lol
jail is a bitch
5 days of hell
pure hot sweaty crowded bullshit hell
now to rehab
ill write in 3 weeks when im out
my bday is in 3 weeks
dont forget u 2!
*laughs at herself for only havin 2 friends
my dad was supposed to come today, he didnt, ha, whats new
2 crazy bitches wont leave my woman alone
im going to stab them with a spork... in the eye
muh girls mom hates me and in 'slightly insane
ok ok she doesnt hate me, but she hates that her daughter loves me....
big dif eh?
my gfs son thinks being gay is an aquired trait
i need to quit smoking
so does my gf
but she wont
so neither will i
the little one makes me feel guilty
so im going to tell her to tell her mom to quit.. n then i will..
i have a boring life
at least u prob think so
but its good
i like it
and if you dont
ill stab you
in the eye
with a spork
i want to join the marines
but im too lazy
my woman says no
but i laugh at her
im going to get arrested soon
by the cops
and put in jail
or boot camp
or something fun
i want a beer
and a cigarette
and a kiss
i so just got one
now for the beer n cig
2 outta 3 aint bad
my ma left her purse at walmart
who the fuck does that?
my girl is a crack head
i got some new white t's
n a 10 cent notebook
i have no clothes
scott the bastard stole them all
guess what imma do to him
well i wont tell you
but i bet you know
gimme 20 bucks fuckers
its time to carry in groceries
I have been lost in love land.
Now that im coming back to reality i realize how insane this may be.
but damn it sure feels good.
im such an asshole though.
im with an amazing woman, who does everything she can for me, not to mention who happens to be pretty damn decent in bed, yet i still think of others.
hopefully this just disappears, it seems to every time im with her, its just when shes gone that i question things.
so i know its fear and not the relationship.
so instead of the normal reaction to run once 'the chase' is over, im oging to stick it out and see what happens.
but god i still miss her.....
on another note, i got a link from my ex tonia today w/pics of my boys(her nephews we took care of in LA) i miss them so bad, i just keep staring at their pictures, i looked at them at the library for the first time and began to cry, i will never see them again, soon, if not already, i will be a faded memory that will be forgotten.
this always happens to me
damn this blows my mind..
last week i went to the bar n i was just partyin takin shots w/all these chicks, jus partyin..
then when i was leavin i sucked face w/this chick , she was cool as hell..
so i was supposed to go meet her the next day, but i didnt make it that far..
i went to the bar last night n she was there, we talked a bit n then i went to her house after tha bar closed..
it frightens me that i had fun.. i didnt even get no booty lol
but we talked n cuddled and all that fun shit and it was just really cool to chill with someone like her..
only dilema is..
shes 36, she has 3 kids(great kids, but still 3 kids) an her son is only 5 years younger than me..
not that that really bothers me, its just strange..
and she doesnt know my real age, which sux, cuz i cant tell her or shit would be crazy..
but damn shes hot for an older woman, and not only that, but she can kiss like there aint no tomorrow, and i know she fittin to blow muh mind in the bed..
so i know im gonna try for this.. but damn.. crazy huh
im going to bed now,
gotta work at 11
seems all i do is sleep lately..
im really getting into fear factory again. god they kick ass.
i think i listen to the music that matches my mood, and since it fluctuates often, my music does with it.
i feel like its too late to try.
how stupid is that?
i sit back and watch my life through a window, i just want to shatter the window and strangle myself
yet i still do nothing about it.
i have probation friday.
i have to buy a detox drink.
i hope i dont get tested or theres a large chance i may be fucked.
but do i do anything to change it?
pride is sunday
i was so excited about it.
i have lost much of the excitment..
i think maybe because im unhappy with what i have to present to the world,
but its a gay march..
i almost forgot how much i loved this cd..
it got me thru most of my rehab and all that bullshit..
good thing i decided to download it outta nowhere.
my life is a circus
will it always be insanity
or do i make the insanity
should i look into things the way i do
or should i just let them go and forget
i remember a lot
its like i store everything
build it up till it all comes out
and the cycle repeats
its like when you put in a cd
the first beat plays and you know what it is
you know what your getting
so suddenly you are in a different mood
either jammin to the beats you love
or laughin at the fact that this particular cd is in
but either way you know what to expect
you begin to feel more comfortable
or when you light a cigarette
the one you have been craving for so long
and how good the smoke feels rushing into your lungs
and exhaling even better
you know with every drag that its killing you
that eventually it will catch up with you and you will suffer
but living in that moment, with that delicious tar
you dont care, you just enjoy
but the day it catches up to you
all of those beautiful stress-relieving moments
every time you sparked up again
is all worth nothing
and you wish you could take it back
its like walking down the street
with nowhere in particular that you are going
the whole time your thinking
contemplating all of the places you can go
all of the things you could be doing
finally deciding on one thing
its never what you expect
they are doing as are you
looking for what to do next
finding that one thing that will take up time
for time is there to pass
and you must find a way to forget it exists.
"i smoke and i drink and
every time i blink i
have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am
im proud of the fact that im
worse than i seem."
that quote runs through me several times an hour.
today i wanted to move to the city.
i wanted to be where everything was happeneing
it seems im always so bored
i just want to find the place where i can be
some days its the city
others its to be every womans desire
to have the money
the beautiful home
and all of my shit together
and some days
i just want to sit there
just sit and listen to the sounds
and find my way around it all
the way to do it all,
have it all
and still have me too
its like you stive to be what everyone wants
you breathe to make everyone else smile
to see their faces light up because of you
but sometimes i think i should stop
and see how often i make my own face light up
how often does my eye twinkle
or when was the last time i was the one putting off 'the glow'
im sorry im bitching, and im putting it all out there
but i spose thats why i made this journal, so i oculd say the things i need to say
and noone here can read it and bring it back later to haunt me
today i am writing this
tomorrow will be the next plan in life..
my next desire
its not hard to find what burns the fire
whats hard is figuring out how to keep it lit
well this sux
i guess im not going to pride after all
i slaved at bk
i worked double shifts almost every day for this
and now there is no car
i have no fucking way there
jesus it just keeps gettin better
i just got high w/my boss, and kinda tipsy... weird..
but shes cool tho, i wish she wouldnt have had to leave, i feel bad ..
but its still weird..